Yes, grief is good. But when you stuff down emotions because you have been told to do so or you are afraid of others’ reactions or your own reactions, the grief gets stuck and then you get stuck.
I know this because it’s my story. My two sisters died tragically and suddenly a year apart. I was/am their younger sister and was just learning to be an adult at 21. I felt as if my legs had been cut off. I had no idea what to do. I went to groups and therapists seeking help. When I told one that I suffered from feelings that would surface uncontrollably she taught me how to drink water so I wouldn’t cry. Swallow your feelings, she taught me. And so I did.
We just don’t know what to say to someone and the message we get is, keep it all in.
“Oh, wow, I couldn’t survive losing my sister.”
“She is in a better place now.”
“Everything is meant to happen, it’s karmic (God’s plan).”
“You need to pull it together, you are upsetting people.”
It’s not just other people’s comments that taught me to stuff my feelings, it was my own fear as well. Joyful memories bubbled up in the strangest places but were quickly overcome by a tsunami of painful emotions. Pushing them down kept me in a dry, dusty desert working overtime just to survive.
At first, not helped by any sort of group or therapy, I dived into physical activity. I rode my bike hundreds of miles a day, I ran, I boxed and I practiced a sweaty intense yoga. It was helpful to keep my spirits from going south but I also used it to exhaust myself so I couldn’t feel anymore. Later on, my better self led me to a yoga practice that was more mindful and strengthened my nerves, body and mind. I’m deeply grateful for this practice that has supported and continues to support me through the ups and downs of life.
When new losses arrived, I had tools to support myself: sequences to restore my frayed nervous system, more active sequences to shift my spiraling mind and inject me with positivity, and supported, intelligently sequenced backbends to maintain a physical and emotional open heart. My yoga practice was there to support, guide and help me navigate life’s turbulent waters. It will be there for me in the years to come.
A path of yoga reduces a ping ponging, spinning, reactive mind and cultivates an even-temperedness, an emotional stability and contact with an inner peace. It is a practice. And it helps you contact deeply embedded memories and release them. So you are no longer stuck.
I embrace the idea that you can move beyond, integrating but not forgetting, and move into a lush, verdant life. No longer just surviving but instead thriving.